I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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