i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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