It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
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