The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
They took my balls.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
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