I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
