mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I have grass duct taped all over my body
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
