UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
