He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
