if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
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