the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I need to sanitize my soul.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
