I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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