I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Randomize
