I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
