Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
