im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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