dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
