Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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