walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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