Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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