I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
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You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
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then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
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