I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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