You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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