last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
The air taste purple.
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