and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
