We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Randomize
