I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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