I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
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Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
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I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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