I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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