i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
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Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
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Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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