Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
