Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
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