did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Randomize
