Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Someone shattered a urinal.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
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