she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
