Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Randomize
