But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Randomize
