She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
You left your phone here
Wait...
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