Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Randomize
