I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
