from now on my penis is your penis
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
