he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
