I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Swine flu is the new snow day.
two words: eviction party
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.