Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
