plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon