dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
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