I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
