letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
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