I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
why do cheetos always look like penises
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
