wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
