end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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