i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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