Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I deserve this hangover.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
