Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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