My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Randomize
