So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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