So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Randomize
