u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
So vagazzling was a success
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize
