I'd wear matching sweaters with you
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I licked your asshole in confidence.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
