Ketchup is God's man juice
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
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