dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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