meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Randomize
