I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
